Tuesday, January 15, 2013

That Empty Feeling

There was another joyous pregnancy announcement at work today. This announcement was made ten minutes before entering a classroom of precocious four year olds.  Being surrounded by children each day can be difficult, but I am normally so very busy that I don’t have time to think about it. Today, my heart sank as yet another announcement was made. These proclamations come on a regular basis as I work with mostly women of childbearing age.  My arms and heart are feeling empty.

I attempted to fill that empty feeling by stuffing my stomach with Krispy CrΓ¨me doughnuts.  That didn’t silence the ache. I filled my Amazon shopping cart with items that I really don’t need. Thankfully I didn’t press the purchase button.  That stuff wouldn’t fill the ache either.

I don’t begrudge my friend the excitement of having another child. She is a great Mom. It’s not really about her, it’s about me.  I just want that excitement for myself.  I want to gently kiss the head of a baby that is mine. I want to hold my toddler’s hand as we watch the manatees at the zoo.  I want to see my husband play basketball at the park with our son.

Our home is quiet. I yearn for it to be full.

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