Saturday, October 17, 2009

Just Thinking

I'm sitting here at the computer just contimplating my life. This is something that is quite normal for me. As an internal processor, much of my life is lived inside my head. What does that even mean? Well, it means very little of what I am actually thinking comes out of my mouth. Why? Fear? Yes! Many people mistake my lack of talking for being stuck up or cold. That is not my intention. I long to have friends and be able to share who I really am. Yet, that is just difficult. Often times, I just don't know what to say.

So I am thinking about life. To be honest its pretty dull right now. Drive, Work, Drive, Home, Drive, Work, Drive, Home. I go to work and I come home. So dull. I spend between 8 and 11 hours in the car each week. 85% of the dreams I have at night are about work. So it feels like all I do is work. You may be thinking that I'm complaining about work. I'm not. I like work a lot! Its just that I have let it become my life and I'm not really doing anything outside of work. Last night, which was Friday night I spent 4 hours making a book review video for my work blog. Am I required to make these videos? Nope. Does anybody actually watch these video? I doubt it. Then why the heck am I spending a perfectly good Friday night making a video? I think its because work has become my life and I am just mindlessly continuing that "life". I don't have anything else interesting going on so I just latch onto "work" because it is at least somewhat entertaining. That is just so unhealthy.

So, I've pretty much stalled on "life". I haven't been to church in a month, maybe more. I can't remember. I never followed up with opportunities to volunteer in children's ministry and women's ministry. I'm just scared of people actually getting to know the real me, and not liking that person, so I just continue with the "fake me". If people don't like the "fake me", that is OK, because that is not really who I am. When I get scared I clam up. Doing nothing is better and safer than being "known". I'm pretty fed up with that whole proecess. It works for a while, but its just not healthy.

I know that I have a purpose in life. There are a few places where I just feel so comfortable, where I feel I can just soar. Do you ever get that feeling that you are doing something that you were just ment to do? Here are a couple of those places for me.

#1: Random Acts of Kindness: While I was working at St. Johnsbury Academy, I just felt an overwhelming sense of love and pride of being part of that community. So the joy just kinda spilled over. I loved handing out donuts by the front door. I loved handing out candy before chapel. I loved surprising people with flowers or other gifts. I loved the opportunities that I had to get to know the students and to see them change. I love making people smile. People don't expect other people to be kind. I didn't do those things to be honored or recognized for those acts. I just did them to make people smile. To give other people out of the ordinary experiences that might just make their day a little bit brighter. A small break for the mundane.

#2: Children's Ministry: Being part of a church can get messy. I've worked on staff at three churches. I would say that two of the three have severley mangled my faith. While the "business side" of the church bogged me down, the miracles and work that God was doing there was amazing. Sometimes I forget all the wonderful that did happen.

I think children are capable of having truly authentic faith. At their young age they don't have all that messy stuff to cloud things. They don't have a lot of that baggage that adults have that can be a barrier to relationship with Christ. While working and volunteering with children at churches ,I have learned so much from them. I learned church doesn't have to be boring. I've learned that scripture doesn't just have to be read quietly. Joy can be external and internal.

Ok, so what does this all mean? Well, I have to get off my duff and start doing. Things are not going to fall in my lap until I start taking some steps. If you are the "praying type", please pray for guidance as I begin to step out and begin to be who I am truly ment to be.

I hate blog posts without pictures. So here is a picture


  1. wow, emily! thanks for the honesty in your post and letting us get another glimpse of who you are. i will be praying! hope you're looking forward to your road trip and time with family & old friends!

  2. I have been "there." Sounds like you need to surround yourself with a different and uplifting-kinda crowd?

  3. This IS the real you. That is what I love about blogging...I can show my vulnerable side and have often been amazed at the clucks of encouragement and love that I have found from my blog friends.

    Thanks for your kind comment on my blog and if you ever want to "talk" you are most welcome to e-mail me.


  4. hi emily.. greetings to u.. i come from malaysia and hope to keep in touch with u.. yes, a post is not a post without a pic or two.. :)

    greetings from